posted November 26, 2009 at 16:15 EST in Other Articles
Top-10 Biggest Turkeys of 2009
by Tim Furious
Happy Thanksgiving, folks! It’s that time of year when we give thanks to guys like Peyton Manning for being incredible, Tom Brady for returning, LeBron James and Dwyane Wade for not signing extensions and Colt McCoy and Tebow going undefeated in college. Yet, this is also the time of year where we celebrate our hatred of turkeys by murdering, broiling and eating them by the millions. So which ten sports figures from 2009 would we love to throw in the oven and baste them with a thick coat of failure?
Honorable Mention – Larry Johnson Hates Gays, Scoring Touchdowns
Honorable mention goes to the homophobic Larry Johnson, even though nobody’s cared about him for three years…except the idiot in fantasy football who doesn’t actually know what he’s doing in the third round. “Larry Johnson’s still available?! Man you guys are IDIOTS!”
10. Charlie Weis – Notre Dame Football Coaching Disaster
Jabba The Hut’s son from an estranged mistress is 35-26 SU as the head coach of the esteemed Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Yet after the recruiting class brought in by his predecessor, Ty Willingham, up and graduated, Weis has gone 16-20 SU and has never beaten USC. Now even he’s saying that he should be fired. On top of his games being hard to stomach, Weis underwent gastric bypass in 2002 and lost 90 pounds…and has somehow gotten fatter since. You know when people tell jerks that they’re a “waste of skin”? They’re talking about Charlie Weis.
9. Marian Hossa – Two Time Stanley Cup…Loser
Hossa made big noise last summer when he opted to jump from the Pittsburgh Penguins to the Detroit Red Wings for a better chance at winning the Stanley Cup. Instead, he posted one assist while watching his former team demolish the Wings in a thrilling series. Hossa has since signed a 12 year deal with the Chicago Blackhawks…then immediately went under the knife for shoulder surgery. Can he really be the first player to lose three Stanley Cup Finals in a row? You bet he can!
8. Allen Iverson – No “Quit” In Him…Literally
It pains me to even mention Iverson amongst these guys, but the twilight of his career is presently overshadowing what an incredible player he used to be. He sulked his way to the bench last season in Detroit, and faked back injuries so he wouldn’t have to play backup duty. Then he waited for a contender to sign him in the summer of 2009, only to tease Memphis and then refuse to show up. Now he’s saying he’s retired.
Making things even worse was watching his former team, the Denver Nuggets, cruise to the Western Conference Finals without him, pegging him as a non-leader. “Practice?! We talkin’ ‘bout practice?!” No, A.I. We’re talking about you finishing out your insanely prolific career like a bum. We all expected you to flame out in a blaze of glory. Instead, you’re going out like you’re a miniature version of Ben Wallace or Shawn Kemp.
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7. Jay Cutler – Pouting His Way To Chicago
Cutler went so ballistic when newly anointed coach, Josh McDaniel, tried to trade him that he forced a lopsided trade to the Bears. Then he backhanded the Broncos’ fans by saying, “If Denver fans are a six, then Bears fans are a nine!” A nine?! Does the scale stop at nine? Why wouldn’t you say “ten”? Why would you even say that at all???
All the championship hype surrounding Cutler’s arrival in Chicago went down the drain after Week 1 when Brian Urlacher went down for the season.
Instead of hoisting the team on his Pro Bowl shoulders, Cutler instead decided it’d be better to start leading the league in interceptions and ranking 24th overall in quarterback rating. Watching Cutler suffer is almost as hilarious as watching Bears fans sink from their hope filled championship aspirations to the stark realization that they’re just absolutely cursed.
6. Tom Cable – Commits To Excellence, Beatdowns
The perfect guy to coach the Raiders would be an overweight, balding, white guy who physically abuses women, breaks the jaws of his coaching staff by hurling chairs around a room (with the coach’s still sitting in said chairs), is angry all the time, attacks the media for criticizing his crap infested team and leads the Raiders to about four or five wins this season. Introducing…THE CABLE GUY!
(Note: This is an insult to cable guys across the country. At least they’ll upgrade me to HBO and Skinemax for a six-pack. Tom would probably just clobber me with a bedside table for asking, while jamming to Chris Brown on his iPod.)
5. David Ortiz – Big Papi’s A Big Fraud
David Ortiz went from being one of the most loveable heroes of Red Sox nation, to just another fat, overpaid slob on a roster of malcontents that have no closing power. Statistically, this was his worst season in Boston ever, and it came when we found out he’d been using performance enhancing drugs back when the Red Sox were winning World Series banners.
Watching him bat for the Red Sox was like watching an overweight Britney Spears try to perform at the VMA’s in 2007. Both are past their prime, slow, fakes and have a great set of tits.
4. Tito Ortiz and Rampage Jackson – UFC Champs To UFC Chumps
Ortiz attempted a UFC comeback, talked his usual trash and then got murdered by Forrest Griffin in a decision. He followed the loss up in an interview that was riddled with excuses about his injuries that he never mentioned leading up to the fight and now nobody cares about his next five fights. The best part? The guy who hates him the most is Dana White, who profited from the 440,000 pay-per-view buys from UFC 106 after Brock Lesnar dropped off the face of the planet.
Tying Ortiz is Rampage Jackson. Honestly, I never could’ve imagined a more selfish and abysmal coach for “The Ultimate Fighter” than Ken Shamrock, but Rampage proved me wrong. He challenged guys on the show to fights, and his monologues remind me of a semi-retarded fat kid in elementary school who laughs at his own jokes, has no apparent internal filter and throws temper tantrums at his own failures.
Even better was that Rashad Evans, who Rampage was supposed to fight in January, told him outright that he was going to quit their fight because he’s a quitter. So how did Rampage respond? Well he hurled a bunch of insults first, beat the crap out of a cardboard door…then quit the fight.
3. David Kahn and The Ricky Rubio Saga
You know things are bad when you’re the newly appointed GM of a sinking ship and the first act of faith you do for your season ticket holders is write them a letter telling them that “everything will be alright…trust me…”, followed by that same GM making three trips across the pond to try and persuade Ricky Rubio to actually come to America so he didn’t look like an idiot. Well, Rubio ended up staying in Spain (which is a great move for him, he’s only 19 and needs to grow up), Kahn ended up looking like a complete idiot and now the Timberwolves are 1-14 straight up (and 4-10-1 against the spread)! How does a GM even remotely do everything possible to lose his job before his first season even starts? Even Isiah Thomas wasn’t that dumb.
2. Stephon Marbury – YouTube Sensation!
Great. Marbury is taking the 2009-10 season off so he can prepare for a comeback after next summer. Whoop-dee-freaking-do. The only thing people have cared about when it comes to Starbury is his freakish YouTube monologues, highlighted by a confession that he eats Vaseline. Forget your 2010 comeback, Marbury, you’ve got Fox Network gold in your own show, “What Won’t Starbury Eat?”! Product placement galore awaits you. Noxeema, Oxy Pads, Crest White Strips, Pantene Pro-V Conditioner, L’Oreal’s entire line of beauty products…what won’t this guy eat for attention? That’d get me watching.
1. Eric Mangini – Worst Coach Ever
There’s a lot I hate about Mangini. Creating the hurricane of Spygate because he was upset he lost to the Patriots, the Lions-Browns debacle with the last-minute timeout, trading Braylon Edwards for no apparent reason, firing a GM eight-weeks in to the season after he had hand-picked them, and having the hilariously ironic nick name of “The Man Genius” are definitely amongst them. Mangini’s Browns are 1-9 SU this season and they rank pretty much last in every NFL stat category. If this guy’s a genius, then I’m the reincarnation of Albert Einstein.
But nothing kills me more than this guy playing “guess who” with Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson. Every week he gets up at the podium, refusing to divulge his starter as if America is on the edge of its seats to see which overrated quarterback is going to lead the Browns to another loss. You know what? Nobody gives a damn. It’d be like your mother packing a surprise in your lunch box and telling you it’s either a crap salad or a poop sandwich.
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