NFL Week 11 Power Rankings

1. Indianapolis Colts (9-0 SU, 5-4 ATS)
A win is a win and Peyton will take it, especially when it’s handed to him by his arch-nemesis. The Colts vault the Saints for winning the current game of the year in the rivalry of the decade.

Next Game: Indianapolis vs. Baltimore

2. New Orleans Saints (9-0 SU, 6-3 ATS)
Something about the Saints is off. They’ve had to come from behind against Miami and Carolina and nearly lost their perfect season to the god awful Rams. It’s a bad time to run in to Tampa when they’re getting their feet under them. Upset? Me thinks so…

Next Game: New Orleans (-12.5) vs. Tampa Bay

3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-2 SU, 6-3 ATS)
I’d criticize the acquisition of Larry Johnson a bit more, but these guys turned Cedric Freaking Benson in to a Pro Bowler.

Next Game: Cincinnati (-9.5) vs. Oakland

4. Minnesota Vikings (8-1 SU, 5-3-1 ATS)
I know he’s an MVP candidate, but if I hear the announcers gush over Brett Favre again, I’m going to start cutting my goddamn wrists. I think they should cap their Favre handjobs at 30 and see if they can stay under the limit. Can we get a prop bet on the times the booth jacks Brett Favre off even when he’s not a critical element of a play? What do you mean that’s too hard to track?

Next Game: Seattle vs. Minnesota (-11)

5. New England Patriots (6-3 SU, 5-4 ATS)
Say what you want about Uncle Bill’s idiot decision to go for it on the 4th and 2, but do you want to know what the real scary part is? It looks like that, at their best, the only team that can beat the Patriots…is the Patriots.

Next Game: NYJ vs. New England (-11)

6. San Diego Chargers (6-3 SU, 4-5 ATS)
The Chargers now have big wins over the Giants and Eagles with a chance to catch the Broncos dead to rights and even the season series. I guess that LDT’s awful performances this year were because he was losing confidence in his swimmers. With news that his wife was finally pregnant, LDT ran for 96-yards and two touchdowns. If he finds out that he’s having a boy in January, I’d be terrified for any team they have to face in the playoffs.

Next Game: San Diego vs. Denver

7. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3 SU, 3-6 ATS)
The loss to the Bengals hurts the defending champs, but even worse is the fact that they were held out of the endzone for the first time all season. The Chargers officially have a better chance of making the playoffs by virtue of the crapfest that is the AFC West. Meanwhile, the Steelers are playing in the toughest division in all of football.

Next Game: Pittsburgh (-10) vs. Kansas

8.  Arizona Cardinals (6-3 SU/ATS)
Kurt Warner doubled Matt Hasselbeck’s quarterback rating on Sunday, and led his team to another win. Why aren’t we taking these guys seriously yet? Oh right…that whole NFC West thing. I got news for you, folks. Get over it.

Next Game: Arizona (-9.5) vs. St. Louis

9. Denver Broncos (6-3 SU/ATS)
Well Broncos, this may be your last week in the top-10. If you lose to the Chargers on Sunday, then San Diego is putting you in the rearview mirror, along with the entire NFL betting community.

Next Game: San Diego vs. Denver

10. Baltimore Ravens (5-3 SU, 6-3 ATS)
They pantsed the Cleveland Browns in a game that nobody watched and nobody cared about. There’s no other team in the league that I understand less than the Ravens. Sure they won 16-0, but doesn’t it feel like they should’ve won 38-0 or something? Trying to keep up with the Ravens is like trying to make your wife happy. It’s an impossible, uphill battle, but you just keep trying.

Next Game: Indianapolis vs. Baltimore

11. Houston Texans (5-4 SU, 5-3-1 ATS)
If the Texans are for real, they’ll be the ones to put an end to the Titans’ hot streak on Monday Night Football this week.

Next Game: Tennessee vs. Houston (-3.5)

12. Miami Dolphins (4-5 SU/ATS)
The Dolphins have been insanely creative this season. Let’s see how they do without their maestro, Ronnie Brown, who was left standing on the sidelines with crutches during the clutch win over the Bucs.

Next Game: Miami vs. Carolina (-3.5)

13. Dallas Cowboys (6-3 SU, 5-4 ATS)
Tony Romo is going to have to start reacting to losses a bit more manlier than by acting like he accidentally backed over his own puppy.

Next Game: Washington vs. Dallas (-12.5)

14. Tennessee Titans (3-6 SU, 4-5 ATS)
Too high? Check yourself. This team is scary dangerous, and with so many teams hovering around .500, the Titans can put themselves on the map by decimating a Houston team that they’ve gone 5-2 SU against in 7 games when visiting Reliant.

Next Game: Tennessee vs. Houston (-3.5)

15. New York Giants (5-4 SU, 4-4-1 ATS)
No team had a better bye week than the Giants. Dallas and Philly were both crushed and the Giants stay in contention for the division title. Either the Giants are back after the bye week, or they’re going to get exposed by another NFL fraud in the Falcons.

Next Game: Atlanta vs. NYG

16. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4 SU, 4-5 ATS)
I don’t get it either. The Jaguars are 5-4 SU and I still can’t figure out how. Ok, I know that they’ve won five games and lost four, but do they even look like a team that should have a winning record? I feel like I’m eating crazy pills for breakfast.

Next Game: Buffalo vs. Jacksonville (-8)

17. San Francisco 49ers (4-5 SU, 6-2-1 ATS)
The good news is that the Niners beat the Bears. The bad news is that their offense managed just 216 total yards and their quarterback racked up a 63.3 rating.

Next Game: San Francisco vs. Green Bay (-5.5)

18. Green Bay Packers (5-4 SU/ATS)
Yes, I’m ranking them lower than the Cowboys despite a win. This team is schizophrenic and has zero consistency. They’re finishing 8-8 SU this season and I’m warning you about that right now. They have three wins left in them tops.

Next Game: San Francisco vs. Green Bay (-5.5)

19. Carolina Panthers (4-5 SU/ATS)
Yep, Jake Delhomme is still in the playoff hunt. I hate Jake from a betting standpoint. He’s been murdering me for years and every time I get lured back in, he bites me right in my fat ass.

Next Game: Miami vs. Carolina (-3.5)

20. Atlanta Falcons (5-4 SU, 6-3 ATS)
Are we done showering Matt Ryan with praise? He threw two picks and posted a 57.4 rating against Carolina. Can we relegate him as a sophomore like we’re supposed to be doing?

Next Game: Atlanta vs. NYG

21. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4 SU, 4-5-1 ATS)
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a group of dudes hate travelling to California as much as the Eagles. It’s official: the Eagles can beat bad teams, and lose to good ones. They’re the litmus test of the NFL.

Next Game: Philadelphia (-2.5) vs. Chicago

22. New York Jets (4-5 SU/ATS)
I think it’s great that a cold weather team like the Jets forgot to check if Dirty Sanchez could play in freezing temperatures before they traded up to draft him. Just great stuff.

Next Game: NYJ vs. New England (-11)

23. Chicago Bears (4-5 SU/ATS)
I called my buddy in Chicago to measure the pulse of the Bears fans after they lost 6-10 against the Niners. His response was priceless: “I thought we traded Kyle Orton away so I didn’t have to watch crappy quarterbacks!!!” Then he hung up right away. He could be dead right now. I’m too scared to call him again.

Next Game: Philadelphia (-2.5) vs. Chicago

24. Seattle Seahawks (3-6 SU/ATS)
The schedule for the Seahawks is horrific and things don’t get easier after a road loss to the Cardinals as they travel to Brett Favre’s new home.

Next Game: Seattle vs. Minnesota (-11)

25. Washington Redskins (3-6 SU, 2-6-1 ATS)
Did I miss something concerning Jim Zorn? Is he calling plays again? If he didn’t, then why is he so happy that the Redskins are scoring on trick plays by special teams when he isn’t calling the plays? I’ve never seen somebody celebrate their own irrelevancy so adamantly.

Next Game: Washington vs. Dallas (-12.5)

26. Kansas City Chiefs (2-7 SU, 4-5 ATS)
The Chiefs muscled past the Raiders and now get to host Pittsburgh coming off a loss. Congratulations!

Next Game: Pittsburgh (-10) vs. Kansas

27. St. Louis Rams (1-8 SU, 4-5 ATS)
Scaring the Saints gets a little respect. Beating the spread against the best offense in the league gets a bit more. Standing at 1-8 SU gets absolutely none.

Next Game: Arizona (-9.5) vs. St. Louis

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8 SU, 3-6 ATS)
Loving Josh Freeman right now. Wonder if the Bucs would be anywhere close to the playoffs had he started all year.

Next Game: New Orleans (-12.5) vs. Tampa Bay

29. Detroit Lions (1-8 SU, 2-6-1 ATS)
The Lions are great first and second quarter bets. After halftime, get as far as way as you possibly can!

Next Game: Cleveland vs. Detroit

30. Buffalo Bills (3-6 SU, 4-5 ATS)
Holy crap I can’t watch anymore Bills games. I just can’t. I was forced to as a kid, and no matter who they bring in to play, this team is just disgustingly bad. Why can’t these games get blacked out on the basis of sparing people in their TV broadcasting range? Why haven’t Bills fans just raided all of the TV towers around Raymond James? It’d be a great way to vent the frustration.

Next Game: Buffalo vs. Jacksonville (-8)

31. Oakland Raiders (2-7 SU, 4-5 ATS)
Roger Goddell has made it a point to clean up the image of the league. So why is a woman hating, assistant coach beating, disgruntled, fat bastard like Tom Cable not getting reprimanded? Because his life sucks as it is while he’s the Raiders head coach.

Next Game: Cincinnati (-9.5) vs. Oakland

32. Cleveland Steamers (1-7 SU, 3-5 ATS)
The only thing I’m reveling in the pathetic attempt of the Steamers to play professional football this year is the fact that Eric Mangini is four weeks away from getting canned. I hate that man. Just tell us who your f’n quarterback is! Stop acting like anyone cares about the mystery of whether you’re rolling out the Brady “The Crap Sandwich” Quinn or Derek “Poop Salad” Anderson! I just want one guy in the press to be like, “Listen, we don’t care if who you’re starting this weekend. I just want to know why you think it’s such a big deal. It’s like you’re hiding Elisabeth Moss and Brooke Hundley behind a curtain and pretending they’re January Jones and Kate Beckinsale. Give it a rest. Please. I don’t actually have a question. That’s all I have to say.”

Next Game: Cleveland vs. Detroit