posted August 17, 2007 at 14:11 in Other Articles

The CBA just introduced a team called the Atlanta Krunk. I’m not even kidding. Sure it’s mildly appropriate given that the hip-hop subdivision was born in the dirty south. But misspelling “crunk” is inexcusable. I’m sure that Three 6 Mafia is going to have something to say about this.

Just so the Krunk don’t feel so alone, here are a bunch of team names that should warrant your attention as the worst team names in sports history.

Washington Bullets
Now known as the Washington Wizards (which is just as dumb, but I can only pick on our nation’s capitol so many times), the Bullets was one of the most ironic names in sports history. With the Washington Capitols of the NHL, DC was home to the Bullets and Caps at one point. The only way this would’ve been better is if the Washington Nationals were actually called the Washington Assassins.

University of Alberta Pandas
For those of you unfamiliar with Alberta, it’s a province in Canada known for the Rockies, cowboys, great plains, country music and beef. For those of you unfamiliar with pandas, it’s a docile, black and white bear that lives in Asia. What does one have to do with the other? Outside of UA calling their women’s teams the “Pandas” (the men’s teams are called the “Golden Bears”), absolutely nothing.

Toronto Raptors
Here’s an idea! Let’s name our basketball team after the villain in a hit summer movie and bestselling book! Yep, after the success of “Jurassic Park” in theatres, Toronto could not help themselves and named their team the Raptors. They overlooked three important facts. In three years, the name would become irrelevant in pop-culture. Second, the name is dumb. Third, Toronto already had a basketball team called the Huskies, which is not only appropriate, it has historic value (first NBA game ever was Huskies vs. Knicks). Next up, the St. Louis Voldemorts and the Baltimore Megatrons!

Chicago Cubs
Nothings scarier then a bunch of cuddly baby bears.

The Alabama Crimson Tide
Nothing scarier then that time of the month. It also makes me think of tainted shellfish. Poor form Alabama.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Nothing scarier then a team that can’t spell properly. Damn, Toronto made the list twice?

 

Elon Fighting Christians
What I wouldn’t do to win an eBay auction for a ticket stub that read, “Elon Fighting Christians vs. Holy Cross Crusaders”. I’m willing to go as high as $10 for this item.

Whittier College Fighting Poets
Who in the hell came up with this name? Fighting Christians was bad enough, but Fighting Poets? I’d like to meet the person that coined this name and shove this name right up his haiku.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks
Yes, another team named after another terrible movie. Disney had the naming rights to this team but you can’t put the word “mighty” in front of any animal and hope that it flies. They might as well have named their team the Anaheim Indestructible Kittens. The only saving grace is that they nicknamed the Honda Center, “The Pond”.

Houston Texans
Seriously. How lazy can you get? Maybe they took a page of the Philadelphia Phillies book. Too bad that was a crappy read to begin with.

New Jersey Nets
Pucks. Balls. Sticks. Hands. Feet. Gloves. Goals. Rims. Backboards. Field goal posts. Endzones. Pads. Helmets. Skates. Cleats. Shoes. Nets. These are all things that sports teams should not name themselves.

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