This week in MMA

This week in MMA betting, coming out of nowhere, Affliction (the clothing company responsible for the nu-metal equivalent of the tye dye shirt) has stepped into the realm of fight promoting and is trying to book Tim Sylvia vs Fedor Emelianenko for a show in Dallas for July. Tim Sylvia recently asked to be released from the UFC after losing to UFC champ Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira (not to be confused with his little brother Antônio Rogério Nogueira, stupid). The sports betting community should know that Fedor and his team are apparently sick of everyone accusing them of picking easy fights, and have therefore picked the easiest fighter available that might help dispel that accusation.

Sean Sherk is back from his steroid suspension in May to fight BJ Penn, but first he's going to have to pass an extra piss test for the Nevada State Athletic Commission next week. So sayeth Keith Keizer, supreme ruler of the NSAC. Sherk has the dubious honor of being the first fighter subject to the commission's new testing policy, which boils down to "Any day at any time, we might come for your urine."

Rumors of a Randy Couture vs Kurt Angle submission wrestling match have been dispelled by the Natural himself. I know folks interested in betting on MMA were looking forward to the fighting odds on that one. Blaming the party poopers at the UFC, Couture said that until the legal troubles between them are solved there won't be any fighting of any kind in his future. He's not even allowed to hit his wife, for god's sake. What, that's illegal anyways? Next thing, they'll be wanting the right to vote!

YAMMA pit fighting happened over last weekend and it sucked grandpa dangle balls. The revolutionary Yamma pit (which was nearly identical to Chuck Norris' World Combat League surface) was supposed to keep fights off the ground, but instead resulted in nearly every fight going the distance by brutal lay and pray. Someone should have told the guys running the show that it was the WCL's rules against ground fighting and not the raised outside ring that kept action on its feet.

Last but not least, UFC 83 is happening this weekend. But unless you're willing to give up your firstborn or Google stock to evil scalpers, you're gonna have to sit at home and watch the show on your tello-visions. Those of you who are used to the soothing, calming cooing of Joe Rogan are going to have to deal with Kenny Florian instead - he'll be replacing Rogan for this show. The reasons why are unknown as of now, but perhaps Rogan's use of the term "rape choke" and his gushing over fighters in other organizations during the last UFC Fight Night on Spike has resulted in Joe being grounded.

That's it for This Week in MMA. Remember: if you didn't read about it here, it's either a bold faced lie or not worth your time.